the part you left out

this is the letter that i wrote to let go of 'the boy that broke my heart'. i never sent it to him. i never needed to. i thought that i would put it up here. you know, just for shits 'n giggles. for those of you that may be wondering, the boy in question does not have the address of this blog. now you know.

***boy.

i am so angry. and so hurt. i am writing you this letter in order to let it all go. you can read this, or not read this. think about it, not think about it. i have/ want no control over that. these are the things that i need to say in order to turn the page.

i have met boys like you before. i have dated you. fucked you. almost married you. i have paid your rent. held you crying. done the grunt work in your life. i have forgiven you for things that i would forgive no one else for. i have allowed myself to be taken for granted. i have blamed myself for your lying, cheating, disrespect, disinterest, boredom, pain. i have let crazy-makers make me crazy. i have allowed your boredom and fear make me feel like i am the one who is boring and afraid.

before i met you, i thought that i was entirely over that. i thought that i was over seeking the affection of people who just barely give you enough to hold on. obviously, part of me was not over that. and i still have growing up to do. you have reminded me that i am not interested in being with people who cling to mystery.

your dishonesty hurt me. when you tell lies to yourself and tell lies to those around you - those things have a way of getting back to the people involved. the lies that i have heard have wiped out any respect or trust that i had in you. that is why i have left. i hope that you will take this to heart. i hope that you will take to heart that fact that some people are not jaded, they let your actions and your words into their lives. those of us that make no attempt to protect ourselves - we get hurt. as i have been hurt by you.

from the lies that you have told, it is clear to me that you want to believe that my hurt and anger stem from sexual rejection. you couldn’t be further from the truth. my emotions have no relation to your cock. they never did.

i am done with this.

i remain,
choke hold***

it has taken me many years of living and loving with boys to learn one of the talents that many of them seem to be infused with. the ability to walk away. i always thought that boys would walk away so that they never had to deal with all the pain. all the questions. all the late night phone calls.

walking away is a different kind of pain. i have come to prefer it. but sometimes, i still look back.

i write letters all the time. i seldom send them. for ten years i wrote most of my letters to one person. i wonder what that person would think if i decided to send those ramblings to him.

nah, i'll never do it. it would cost me too much in postage.