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as a sign of his love and devotion, miikey drove me to the doctor yesterday. as a sign of my love and devotion, i went with him to a men’s clothing store and gave him my honest opinion on some fancy pants dress clothes.

going to get checked for stds is never a fun visit, no matter how careful you are about your sexual practices. as much as i would like to make light of how awkward and infuriating this visit was, the hypochondriac in me is going to be waiting impatiently for the two weeks until all the results are back.

ok, i can’t help but tell you that my pap was done by doctor beaver. nuff said.

i am going to relay, as best i can, the conversation that was had between myself and doctor beaver. keep in mind that he is not my regular doctor. i have never seen the guy before. he works in the same office as my gp. and so here it goes:

(i am sitting on the gyno-table, nude from the waist down, undersized sheet across my lap. quick knock, and doctor beaver enters - stage right)

dr - what can i do for you today?

me - hi. i received a message from a boy that i used to fuck. he said that he suspected that he might...

dr - okay, back that up a bit. you received a message?

me - yes. a boy that i used to have sex with told me that he suspected that he may have an std. he suggested that i go and get tested. i figured i was due for a check up anyway, so i would like you to run the full range of std tests.

dr - so what are your symptoms?

me - i have no symptoms.

dr - what symptoms is your exboyfriend having?

me - my exboyfriend? oh, yeah, the guy that i used to have sex with? he wouldn’t say. anyway, i know him to be a bit of a hypochondriac. i am not all that concerned that he gave me an std or vice versa. i just wanted to come in and get checked. for piece of mind for both of us. and i like i said, i should probably have one anyway.

dr - so, you have a *lot* of sexual partners.

me - i don’t know about a *lot*, but a fair number.

dr - hmmmmmm. when was the last time you came in for testing?

me - hard to say. i would guess it has been almost a year.

dr - (flipping through my enormous medical file) it was in december 2003. does that sound right to you?

me - yeah, could be. i have MS, so i end up seeing a load of doctors. it’s hard to keep track of when things happen.

dr - it hasn’t even been a year since your last testing. is this normal for you, to be getting tested more than once a year?

me - yes. i usually try to get tested every 6 months.

dr - that’s odd. usually it is only specific populations that get tested with that kind of frequency.

me - oh yeah?

dr - yes. young women, many of them around your age, working in the sex trade, they tend to come in more often to get tested. (looks up at me to see if i have anything to ‘confess’)

me - well, i was under the impression that people who are sexually active should get tested regularly, no matter how many people they are having sex with. that’s what i am here to do.

our conversation continues during the lubing and swabbing session.

during our little visit, here are the fun things that doctor beaver insinuated and/or said outright:
- only sex trade workers get checked more than once a year (therefor, i am a sex trade worker).
- if i come in to get tested this often, there is something obviously suspect about my sexual practices.
- women have sex with their boyfriends. men have sex with their girlfriends.
- if i get tested this frequently, i am probably someone who has had a few abortions (despite any lack of physical evidence that would support this theory).
- it is surprising that someone with my kind of illness is getting laid enough to warrant all these std check ups.

he tells me to go downstairs to get my blood work and urine tests done. i should call in two weeks to see if the results are in, and then make an appointment to discuss those results with my regular doctor.

thank you doctor beaver. this appointment has been both useful and enlightening.