it's a fire

Claustrophobia.

So, a few days ago I went to get an MRI done. Now that my neurologist has realized that my MS is, in fact, active, she is insisting that I go for an MRI every 6 months so that they can track how quickly my brain is dying.

When MRI’s are done on your brain area they have you lay back on a bench. They then put a set of blinders on you and strap your head down so that you don’t move too much during the procedure. They also either give you headphones (they have a selection of ‘calming’ music – you are also allowed to bring your own CD) or put earplugs in your ears (because the machine is so loud while it is taking images).

In my case, they also throw an IV drip into your arm to get some dye into your brain area and have the images come out with more definition.

All that happens after you have taken out all of your body piercings and changed into a set of hospital PJs.

They slide you into the tube-like machine and leave you there. The tube is barely wide enough to accommodate my breasts.

In my case, all of your doctors seem to somehow forget to tell you that you will have to have dye injected into your body and that the procedure is now going to last 45 – 50 min, rather than the 20 minutes that you have come to expect.

Most of you do not know that I am claustrophobic. If I had to rate my level of claustrophobia in an MRI situation, 1 being ‘could care less’ – 10 being ‘no fucking way will you ever get me into that thing’, I would rate myself at a conservative 8.5.

And so, I get sedatives for these occasions.

This time around, the ativan was not enough. Not nearly fucking enough.

The second they strapped me down I began hysterically crying and could not stop myself not matter what i did. This resulted in them hauling me back out of the MRI room, IV-buddy in tow – so that I could take MORE DRUGS and wait for another 45 min for them to kick in.

If it weren’t for the fact that I have had my body poked, prodded, examined, assessed, treated, labeled, and diagnosed, I would have never known that I was claustrophobic.

Sometimes I don’t know if I need to know myself in this way. Know what I mean?