i hope you're happy now

i feel so happy, i could barf.

it is past midnight and i am hanging out doing laundry. it has been a long, busy, grueling week. there have been ups and downs - but no drama or panic.

i was just explaining to lief tonight about how i aim to be a purposefully un-busy person. i have friends that are always running here, attending this, telling everyone about the new hot thing, buying tickets, starting projects, making resolutions, being ‘happening’... and it’s just not for me. i have done all that. i went to university. i worked full time. i volunteered. i established programs. i knew bigwigs. i fucked record producers. i was a woman about town. i was never famous, but definitely ‘seen’. there was a lot of pressure to be ontop of things all the time. trying to keep your mind wrapped around politics, activism, academia, fashion and music at the same time is no easy feat.

i don’t want to be a busybody. i aim to avoid it.

albeit these next few weeks i will engage heavily in busybody behavior. i hardly have a moment to spare. and, as we have seen this lovely friday evening, the moments that i do have to spare i intend to spend doing laundry and sitting on my living room floor.

the only time that i will likely see my friends during the upcoming weeks will be painting days (today and tomorrow) and move in day (it is looking like the 14th of october).

and yet i feel very aware these days about what amazing friends i have. part of that may be due to dalia coming back from croatia. just having her gone for a few months made me realize how much i value her input into my life and how much i value learning about her life. feeling ‘patient’ and looking forward to her coming back helped me to further appreciate other people that i have intense connections with. i can’t explain it in a way that sounds less cheesy. i guess it just refocussed some things. thanks for going on holidays, dalia!!!

additionally, some days i have to pinch myself about how rad my job is. i should clarify that and say that i have a pretty great job, with a *sensational* boss/ mentor. i enjoy learning about him almost as much as i enjoy learning about and doing research and advocacy for post-secondary education in BC. it also doesn’t hurt that i make a living wage working 60% time. there are ways for me to grow and move there, and it is up to me how i choose to utilize those mechanisms.

my new project of becoming a literacy tutor for adults is challenging, thankfully. i feel that i will make a stronger connection to the program administrator and the tutor trainer than i will with most of the other students, but that doesn’t really matter. being in a room with like-minded people, no matter how very different we may be, is heartening. becoming a tutor is going to shake my values and my self-confidence. i am sure of it. but even talking about literacy/ education for 5 minutes is enough to get me riled up for the rest of the day. i had forgotten how pivotal certain things are to me.

aside from the two weeks when lief was in turkey, we have spent at least part of pretty much every day together since we met last december. yesterday i ran into an acquaintance of mine in the streets and he referred to lief as “my guy”. at first i was all “what the fuck?” and then i realized that it was just his way of saying that lief is my permanent partner in crime. it’s true. i want him to stick around! i don’t know if ‘proud’ is the right word, but i will use it anyway - i am proud to say that he is my special gentleman friend.

the feeling of being ‘happy’ is not quite as titillating as angst or sadness or remorse - but i am not feeling a lot of pressure to titillate people these days.

i just keep on rocking on - and things just get better and better.

thanks friends!