platypus (i hate you)

you know that it is going to be a long day when it’s not even noon and you have already listened to ‘good riddance’ (green day) at least ten times and you are on a mission to download alanis morisette songs to see if you identify with the lyrics.

yesterday was exactly *that* kind of long day. the kind of day where you are crying hysterically - and then stopping because you realize that you might be faking all those tears.

as many of you know, the weakerthans are (by far) my favorite band. ask me to write a high fidelity style top ten list of my favorite bands - and it would look something like this:

1. the weakerthans
2. the weakerthans
3. the weakerthans
4. the weakerthans
5. the weakerthans
6. the weakerthans
7. the weakerthans
8. the weakerthans
9. the weakerthans
10. also.... the weakerthans

the only problem being that even if i am feeling the slightest bit emotional, listening to them is entirely out of the question.

i have this problem with crying. i do it at the most inappropriate times. at my first real/ professional job - i ended up having some difficulties with one of the directors. in order to prove my assertiveness and integrity (i was about 20 years younger than the majority of the employees, and one of the only females with a non-crap job) i made an appointment to discuss the issues at hand with the director i was having problems with. it took about 2 minutes in his office before i launched into hysterical crying. it was entirely unintentional. i never lived it down.

when i went in to resign from my last job (which was a rad job that i had fought very hard to get) i drove all the way to work repeating to myself “i will not cry, i will not cry, i will not cry”. i had to resign because my MS symptoms had finally made me realize that there was no possible way that i could work 40 hours a week, even if it *was* at my dream job. i had not told my employers that i was diseased. i walked into the executive director’s office - and before i could even explain why i had been absent for the past 2 days, i turned into a wet little mouse. i cried like you do when you are 4 years old - gasping for air - covering my face. so much for professionalism. even thinking about that day makes me feel sad on many levels.

and the ironic thing is that i find it very difficult to cry when i am alone. it takes a refrain to bring the tears to the surface.....

"So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of
Good health and good time
Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trial
For what it's worth
It was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life"