the great decay
i get in these moods sometimes... where all the clutter around/ inside me makes me want to totally freak out. i can look at the massive piles of paperwork, art supplies, journal articles, pieces of fabric, yarn, mixed tapes, clothing, books, etc. and just want to take them out on the lawn and burn them. i hold myself back from doing that. from burning my life clean. instead, i pick an area and begin weeding through. tossing things out, keeping other things that i know certain people will want, recycling, filing. inevitably, by the time i am halfway through a pile, i get tired. moreover, i get frustrated. i lose sight of how/why i am organizing things the way that i am. my criteria for what stays and what goes becomes muddled and i start to panic.
it all sounds very dramatic... and it is. i can’t even begin to tell you how much paperwork i have accumulated in the last 3 years - from human resources, e.i., past employers, doctors, specialists, social services, physiotherapists, lawyers, counselling classes, volunteer positions, visa bills, phone bills, tax forms. i have to keep many of them. but i am never sure which ones. with all the bureaucracy that my life is filled with - i am in constant fear that i will throw out the one document that i need to prove my case, to get what i need, to finalize things and move on. it’s getting more and more irrational by the day.
when people who know me in my personal life catch a glimpse of me in my professional life, i think they are taken aback. my brother especially, who has always been highly organized - and prone to minimalism, would likely have freaked out if he had seen my office when i worked for the opera. in my professional life, it is no stretch to describe me as “highly organized, efficient, attentive to detail”. i guess when there is no emotional involvement, i find it very simple to make use of space, to pair things down, to maintain order and fluidity.
people definitely make judgments as to “what kind of person you are” according to the level of dis/organization of your things, your house, your space. and i guess that i should accept that. my piles of stuff result in people thinking that i am a chaotic person, that i am out of control, that i do not respect what i have. i don’t think that most of those judgments are accurate character assessments - but i live with them anyway.
what i know right now - which has no connection to how others might see me - is that my life is too cluttered, both inside and out. and i will likely need some help. i will likely need people to help me keep perspective on what is important, and what is just plain crap.
what a mess.
5 Comments:
OK, so we don't know each other that well. But if you need a hand sorting through crap, my hand is available. Even two.
Not anonymous, c'est Michelle. Clutter drives me to move, I begin to hate not only the clutter and myself (for creating said clutter) but the space I'm living in ... I've moved (on average) every 18 months for the past decade.
Re: your comments about the sorting criteria becoming muddled ... I've never seen words that so accurately describe how I feel half-way through sorting yet another pile of crap.
Ahhh, the great debate. Who is the greater person: the person who has the ability to discard every nuance of their life at a given notice or the person who hordes. I once read a great article (given to me by a teacher in high school who recognized my inability to organize) that said that the latter is the better person. We form bonds with each piece of paper/mixed tapes/clothing and it takes us back to another point in time. It makes us remember who we were, who we are and who we will become. You are definitely not a chaotic person who is out of control.
That being said there is something very cathartic about organizing these piles in order to organize your life. It is a necessary part of the hording because it forces you to revisit the past. Which is of course a very different view than the 'everything must be tossed' camp.
My suggestions: (1) sign up through your bank to get your bills online. (or e-post) You don't need to keep these bills and that way your bank keeps the records of your payments and it is all at your fingertips if you are ever unsure whether you actually paid your bill. (2) toss the phone bills. You will never need them. (See if you can get those online too). (3) KEEP YOUR TAX FORMS. You need to keep those for a minimum of 7 years (no one wants to be audited without them).
Since we are practically family, I will "borrow" from work all of the proper office supplies to organize your papers. I'm sure that if i can organize billion dollar transactions, your physio/legal/medical papers will be a breeze. All I ask for in return is coffee (and possibly some baileys - I think i saw some in your cupboard!).
Let me know when. We can even listen to your mix tapes while we do it.
Sarah
i'm a pack rat. and often cleaning the clutter, esp. the piles of bills and other assorted no-fun mail, feels sooooooooo good. don't do it often, but when i do, i feel like a new person. it's like taking a shower or brushing your teeth, and washing your face after a long day.
i like that article sarah, or i like what you said it said. and the idea of getting bank statements by e-mail sounds great! Ang, i can help with the clutter too, and will gladly take any old t-shirts or other things that can be screenprinted. d.
Give me all of your stuff, then you dont have to worry about it anymore. You can start with your cat and wigs. Hawt. love jeff
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