criticism as inspiration

i makes me feel so good to always tell you when you’re wrong,
the big man that i am,
to always have to put you down.
- pedro the lion

what makes people think that slagging other people will make them feel better about themselves?

last week i got an e-mail from someone who makes their way through life by deceiving people, by playing on people’s sympathy, by ‘being a victim’, by playing dumb, by being passive-aggressive, by making other people feel small. his e-mail made me so fucking angry. i wanted to kick him in the face, break his legs and throw him from a train. for half an hour i sat in front of the computer, trying to figure out how to retaliate. i was boiling over. and i was just as angry at myself for letting his crazymaking ways make me crazy. i had to ask myself why his temper tantrum grade four tactics were hurting me so much. it’s this: he had been searching his whole life to find a space where it wasn’t more appealing/ safe/ rewarding for him to cheat and lie. i provided that space. he cheated and lied anyway. sitting in front of the computer, my heart burned at the possibility that maybe the problem had been me. maybe i wasn’t good enough at creating a space for him to be true. it’s total bullshit. even in the midst of knowing that he is a deceptacon - i searched for ways to make it ‘all my fault’. this isn’t like me. i know better than this. better than this. better than this.

it gets so confusing. i understand that people have been hurt and that they need to find ways to protect their egos in order to feel safe. in moments of anger we all lash out and say those things that we know will hurt - that will get a reaction - that will make others feel small. it gets sick sometimes. we stockpile bits, pieces, information, pathways, pressure points, hot topics, buttons, scenarios, facts - that we can use to make our loved ones feel pain. we stockpile so that, in heated moments, we can retaliate.

what the fuck are we all so scared of?

in my e-mail reply, i did not retaliate. i don’t fear that boy.