the places you have come to fear the most
yes, i am scared.
scared of what? scared of becoming a counsellor.
why am i scared of becoming a counsellor? it seems like there are a billion reasons. and those reasons have paralyzed me.
i have had very serious doubts as to whether or not i am going to fulfill the requirements of my Counselling Certificate. arrogance aside, the coursework/ class work for the program were not a big challenge. the papers, tests, and most of the assignments were more interesting than anything else. i held a 4.0 GPA without breaking a sweat. now that i have to do my practicum... i am sweating up a storm. it is one thing to practice empathic counselling techniques with fellow classmates in a safe, supportive, and somewhat predictable environment. it will be another thing to sit down with people who *really need help*. this is also different from sitting down with friends who really need help. my classmates were there to work with me - to learn skills alongside me. my friends throw curve balls at me sometimes - but i feel that i have a holistic understanding of their lives, of the context of the things that are weighing on their minds. and i also know that if i am not a very good listener some days, or if i say something lame - - - that they will forgive me.
many of my fears stem from ignorance. not uncommon. but i feel that i am totally naive when it comes to many things.... drug use, alcoholism, incest, mental health, rape, abuse, poverty, gender identity, culture/ language issues. i think about these things a lot.... but have very limited exposure to them. and i am intimidated by them. if a sex trade worker came in to see me and she had just been beaten up by a john - what would i do? i don’t know. sitting there and empathizing with her is not enough, in my opinion.
people keep telling me that i will do well as a counsellor - that i need to take some risks and put myself in a position where i can learn skills on the front line. i’m not so sure about this. i am not someone that does well in ‘trial by fire’ situations. i need to feel prepared in order to hold my confidence. i would not be prepared for most of the things that i would face as a counsellor/ community social worker.
i just keep feeling like my life has not prepared me to be an effective counsellor, and my school program has not prepared me to be an effective counsellor.
i have a lot of compassion for people. i am not someone who nods their head and pretends that they are listening. my care for people runs deep into my stomach, my bones, my heart, my self. i really do want to hear what people have to say about themselves/ their lives. and i also really want people to find a way to be okay. find their own way of living a beautiful life.
it is difficult to believe that my desire to care is *enough* to put myself out there. i feel that i am at a crossroads. i have to make the decision to work my ass off to find a practicum placement - even if it scares the bejesus out of me. or i have to quit - and realize that counselling is not the role/ job for me - and move on.
2 Comments:
i would think that you should try doing it before you decide it's not for you - you're interested in it, people tell you you'd be good at it... especially if the "no" decision would be made out of fear. you can always decide "no" later.
a lot of situations are more similar to others than we might think. you know that. so even if you might not know it, you might be able to relate or understand. and to some extent you get to choose what kind of work you want to do, no? i'd certainly be happy to talk about any experiences i might've had (you know, being esl and all) if that would ever help.
you have lots and lots to offer...
d.
It is a stark truth that it will be hard to relate to many of the people you will come across as a counsellor. Inside you knew that, though, going in. You went anyway because you know you have a gift and skill that makes others feel safe and understood. There's no possible way you could experience the life of an incest survivor + street worker + drug addict + lonely father + desperate codependent single mother w/abusive boyfriend. There's not enough dimensions in one life to do this. And why would you want to anyway? Experience does not necessarily beget understanding.
I'd like to think that, inside, these tough clients you describe are not so different than the friends and classmates you've given advice to. Advice that is far more valuable than you could ever realize. Mostly, it's not even the advice—it is you, a human heart that cares. When you're suffering that is enough for most people.
Those who've had things hardest need a caring, attentive person to listen, no different than the rest of us. Give yourself the chance to succeed. If you can't do that, at least give yourself the chance to fail. You never know, you might help someone and surprise yourself at the same time.
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