when you wake

It’s 4:30pm and the sun is just barely breaking through here in smoggy/ air-polluted downtown Vancouver. Funny though, that the filth in the air makes for such a stunning scene. The lavender and baby pink clouds will not last… the blueness of the sky will fade to black within the hour. Winter is already here.

Winters have been long. I find myself locked into other people’s lives for the duration of the cold. I don’t even notice it happening until it is already over. It is a good thing that I never make promises to only give my heart or my time to one person. It’s a good thing that I never promise that my closeness will last more than the months of winter.

In my dream last night I ran into you at some club. We had an obligatory conversation and bored each other with cynicism and pathetic lies. We were both dead inside and we knew it. All those things that we said we would never be…. we had become them and then some. You and I were monsters of numbness, lies, capitalism, boredom, and misdirected lust. We fucked in the bathroom of the club. Standing up. Not meeting each other’s gaze. Our bodies were both overweight and underweight at the same time. Heavy on the indulgence and greed – light on the wholeness and self-awareness.

I am so tired these days. The light of day is spare in November – and as the sky grows dimmer and blacker I feel that I have sleep-walked through my day.

I blink hard, trying to reorient myself. I shake my head and hands and hope that in an instant, I will start feeling again.

Bring me some kind of miracle.