the birthday party

I had best sneak a post in here before November leaves us.

And now that I have said that, I will not be able to get Guns ‘n Roses lyrics out of my head for the next hour. November Rain.

Anyway, the last few months have been a bit…. mind numbing. Increasingly, I find myself staring off into space, crawling back into bed, performing repetitions, biding my time.

All this happens as I ramp up to my 30^th birthday. I plan to make a big deal out of my birthday… not for anyone’s benefit but my own. A couple of years ago, a lovely lady at the MS clinic asked me if I had re-dreamed my dreams yet.

Have I re-dreamed my dreams?
Have I re-goaled my goals?
Have I re-visualized my vision of the future?

And still, my answer is ‘no’.

Don’t know how yet. Going to try. Even if it means simply imagining how to feel part of a community again. Even if it means simply imagining what my vocational calling is. Even if it means simply joining a hip-hop dance class to see if I have any moves left in me. Even if it means admitting to myself that having Multiple Sclerosis has made me feel more desperately lost than I had ever even imagined was possible – admitting this so that I can really feel that feeling and move on.

30 is the new awesome.

Whatever happens, there will be cake and some ghostly shapes of dreams, desperately trying to take form. Hope you can make it.