ain't it the truth

growing up, people often spread lies and gossip about me (and also about the people that i was friends with/ associated with). this was usually because they didn’t like the ways in which i was different from them or because they did not like it when i called them on their shit.

some things never change.

a friend of mine once told me that spreading gossip is much like waving the feathers of a pillow into the wind - - - you feel like you know what you are doing at the time, but you never know where those feathers will land.

on an intellectual level i have always felt that when a person talks shit - that it will eventually bite them in the ass. it’s not really a karma thing that i have believed in... but more so that the negativity, insincerity, and often painfully obvious defensiveness/ insecurity/ disrespectfulness/ jealously/ cowardice on the part of the gossiper is revealed by their own actions. sometimes the process takes a long time - for someone who is malicious or careless to be revealed for what they are. and i am realizing more and more that sometimes that day never comes... largely because people who spend time with a liar know that calling that person into question is more likely to make them the next target of the gossip. (if your friend gossips about her and him and everyone else - what makes you think that they would not stoop down and do it to you?). many people feel very threatened by this (and rightly so, in many cases) and prefer to just listen to the gossip and sweep it under the rug.

but those feathers fly.

despite my intellectual understanding of these situations - i was reminded today of just how much it hurts. it hurts when untruths and misconceptions land in the palms of people who have not yet had the chance to know me. it does hurt. and i guess that means that gossip is an effective way to retaliate - if that’s what you’re into.

i have found myself in a situation where the partner of a friend of mine has heard outrageous things about me. i talked with my friend about it tonight. she and i both know that if her lover knew me - that he: a/ would have to seriously question the mental stability/ ability to distinguish fact from fantasy on the part of the gossiper b/ could not possibly believe that i have said/ done the things that have been gossiped about - as they are violently out of line with the way that i am, the way i conduct myself, the way that i approach the world.

but my friend’s partner doesn’t know me. he trusts the gossiper, because he doesn’t know any reason not to. and the feathers have stuck.

i have not decided what i am going to do. i have confronted the gossiper several times... this only adds fuel to the fire. and this whole drama bores me.

there are so many other ways that people have to struggle to make themselves feel recognized/ heard/ validated/ accepted. in this situation - i am going to have to work much harder and with much more mindfulness and sensitivity in order to show myself as i actually am.

if the liar-pants wanted to talk to me, to confront me about something that i said or did (that has obviously put them in a situation where they have to build lies in order to deflect attention from themselves) then i would be open to hearing their voice. but as it stands - i would gladly duct-tape their mouth shut...

it’s funny how gossips seem to be able to talk to *everyone* about the situation, except for the person that they are talking *about*.

yawn.