hXc judge

It was recently brought to my attention that I come off as being judgmental. For many of you that know me, this may seem overwhelmingly obvious. To me, it was not.

Truth be told, I was a little shocked. I wondered how my ‘insides’ had gotten so bungled and misshapen that when they got to the ‘outside’ that they had turned into exactly the opposite of what I had intended them to be.

Deep breath.

Aside from my desire to be defensive, to blame other people for misinterpreting my actions/ my personality – it actually made me wonder why so many people have told me so many secrets over the years. It made me wonder why people would make ‘confessions’ to someone who is so judgmental.

And then it hit me….

Much like my falling in love with a compulsive liar at the age of 16, there is something even more *particularly* meaningful about exposing your underbelly scars to someone who is liable to rip them apart and show you just how nasty they are. Being close to that liar made me feel like I was the only person alive that could be trusted with the truth.

But it’s true. I find myself thinking “Who does shit like that? How does someone who acts like that actually have ‘friends’? You have got to be fucking joking.”

Tonight, over drinks and platter chatter, I found out that two people who are close to me have gone so far beyond stepping over a personal/ respect boundary that I could not even sit there with them. It actually boggles my mind that they would not think of their actions as being inappropriate – as they would both be deeply hurt (on both an emotional and intellectual level) if someone did to them what they did to me.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

As ungodly as I am, the concept of ‘Do unto others’ seems beyond elementary.

For the love of fuck… Don’t lie. Don’t make excuses. Don’t fucking rationalize it. If you do something that is absolutely offensive and hurtful to the ones that you love, learn how to be a better friend.

It’s true. I am judging whether or not I can trust you. I am judging whether or not I want to stand toe to toe with you. And I am also judging my own moves – and ways that they may impact you, for good or for bad.

I want to throw up right now.