from these graves

i joke all the time about how “i don’t get out much”. but the truth is that i really don’t. in the last few years my home has become both my prison and my sanctuary. you know that feeling you get when you make a trip to a far-off and unfamiliar place - and a couple weeks into it you fall into a struggle?... part of you wants to call the airline and schedule a flight home *right now* and the other part of you wants to find the joy, beauty, adventure of the place that you have chosen to go to. that’s kind of how i feel whenever i leave the house these days.

i find myself agreeing to go on small trips, go to other people’s houses, go to stores, go out for food, go to the gym, go to volunteer/ random paid jobs - - - and there is always part of me that just wants to go home. at times, it has been a full-out panic (that people never see). i was at a class a few months ago, and i was overwhelmed with the feeling that i needed to get the hell out of there *right now*. and so i did. i sat there for a few minutes and then picked up my books and walked right to my car. for no apparent reason, i cried the whole way home.

there is a part in the book ‘the phantom tollbooth’ where one of the characters talks about a little boy who always wanted to be where he wasn’t. on the way to school, he wished that he was in his room. when he was playing in his room, he longed to be outside hanging out with his school chums. i think that maybe i have turned into that little boy. the only thing is that i tend more towards staying at home - because of my lack of transportation - because of my health - because i am tired - because i don’t have to explain anything to anyone when i am alone.

and to think that i am an extrovert!

right now even the thought of having to go to work 2/3 times a week scares the shit out of me. i am very excited and enthusiastic to start my new job, but i am also scared of *having* to be *anywhere* at a given time/day every week. for three years, i have not had to be responsible in that way. if i want to sit in front of the computer for 6 hours - i can. if i want to go to the gym at 5:30am because i am still awake - i can. if i am unable to sleep for 3 days and i finally *do* fall asleep - i have the luxury of being able to sleep for 16 hours and not have to set an alarm.

i have grown accustomed to opting out of things. and my friends have grown accustomed to it too. the people around me know that if i am feeling like pooh or if i need to sleep - that i simply won’t leave my house. i forget what it was like to feel obligated to be somewhere.... somewhere other than my bedroom.

so yeah, i don’t get out much. at least i don’t get out as much as i use to. my movements are more calculated/ deliberate. it is a challenge to maintain spontaneous energy in your mind and spirit when your body doesn’t want to follow.... when your body *can’t follow*.