lily white hands

I’m not sure what to be proud of these days

This morning, as I was waiting for D to babysit me all the way to work, I picked up a book that had been lent to her. It is called Wildly Sophisticated. It is one of those books that is not quite a guidebook, not quite a self-help book, and not quite a lesson plan. Somewhere in between, Wildly Sophisticated appears to be a book (written by and for women) on how to be fearless, poised, relentless, humorous, self-accepting, creative, and gentle with themselves in their pursuit of their dream career.

And though I only reached page 20 before we had to run to catch a bus – I get the feeling that this book expects that as young, empowered women that we *have* some idea about what our dream careers are. Personally, I have no idea what my dream career is. If I knew, I am sure that I would be taking more dramatic leaps towards it (but then again, maybe not).

I was recently speaking with a mentor of mine. He was talking about how his brother had always wanted X career (ie the fun and interesting and creative and unstable and artistic career) but that for the past 20 years he had been working in the Y industry (ie the pay is okay and he gets steady work and has benefits for his family and he doesn’t really have to put himself into his work to get by). This is a story that you have heard a thousand times. Gas station attendants that want to be marine biologists. Shoe store clerks that want to be tap dancers. Secretaries that want to be weavers.

And so, what is it that makes some of us feel that we are ‘lucky to have our jobs’ while others demand something more? Some of us feel that we are being ‘realists’ by accepting the fact that there is grunt work to be done in the world and that ‘someone’ (namely us) has to do it. A bunch of us paralyze ourselves by believing that if we make the smallest career change/ mistake that our entire resume is going to cave in (good grief!). my favorite thing lately has been the slew of 20-somethings that feel they are gaining ‘punk points’ by claiming “I am young and I have no interest in starting a career yet ::yawn::” when the truth is that they have no self-esteem, no confidence, no plan, and no skills aside from criticizing other people’s work. For some of us, it is just easier on our egos to pretend that we don’t want anything, that there aren’t things about ourselves that we really need to start changing, that we don’t have secret dreams – than it is to deal with hard work/ possible rejection/ possible success.

As Wildly Sophisticated points out – most of the time, socio-economic background tells us nothing about how someone will pursue and achieve their career goals. In my life it happens to be that many of the people who were not given great opportunities for education, career advancement, and mentorship have been the ones who sought out what they wanted and grabbed a hold of it. That is not to say that people with big educations, lily white skin, and independent wealth are not also the ‘type of people’ who create their own opportunities - - - I am just sayin’ that it is tough to predict who is going to make their wildest dreams come true.

Yesterday, I was told by one of my many doctors that I should be proud of myself for going back to work after three years at home. I didn’t know what to say. Proud? PROUD? From my point of view, I sought to go back to work out of necessity. I was so bored, so unmotivated, so directionless, so numb sitting at home all day. I was tired from poverty and desperation and fear that I would never wake up from the nightmare that I was living in. So, I dunno if I can be ‘proud’ of going back to work. I purposefully chose a job that did not challenge my self-esteem or capabilities. I chose a job that was permanent, that pays well, and that gives me medical benefits. And I love my job… despite the fact that it is not my ‘dream job’. When I figure out wtf my dream job is – I will get back to you… I am sure that I will need your help along the way to getting there.

If you are someone who has even a vague idea about what their dream job is, I implore you to make use of that knowledge. You have a gift, and it would be irresponsible for you not to use it.

The rest of us will keep searching for that illusive dream job. When we figure out what it is, hopefully we will pick up our skirts, grab our balls and just fuckin’ give ‘er.

Proud of you.