you and me, remembering

I’ve been feeling like such a flake lately. There are things that I need to get done. I have them all written down. At work, I start projects, and halfway through them, I forget what the hell I am supposed to be doing. One of the parts of having MS that I totally struggle with/ resent is my inability to retain information and instructions. I forget names of everyday objects. I forget names of people, the instant I hear them. The short-term memory problems make me feel like a total loser-face. It all makes me appear that I am not diligent, that I don’t care about my work, that I don’t have the skills that I claim to have, that my mind is elsewhere. My friends have been very forgiving – but I know that sometimes they think that I am just being uncaring or inconsiderate. The plaques on my brain are erasing my personality – piece by piece. It breaks my heart. It really does. It has always been so important that the people around me read me as being capable, knowledgeable, and focussed – because I *am* all of those things… underneath it all.

It is tempting to write this all off as a self-esteem problem. That is not the case. I feel good about who I am. And I know that I am not imagining the way that people look at me as I point at a kettle or telephone or eggplant and find myself entirely unable to figure out what it’s called. Where I once would have taken my time and worked my way through something, I get frustrated and irritable. This isn’t me.

Some days, I can actually feel it. I can feel my brain dying. And other days, it just feels like the good person that I have worked so hard to become is falling away. I watch her break into pieces, and there is nothing that I can do about it.

I miss myself.