sono l'antichristo

i get a special kick out of people who feel that i owe them something because they introduced me to a pop-culture item.

does this happen to other people? i am not sure.

i cannot begin to count the times that, on their way out of my lives, people have said things like “if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even know who diamanda galas is!”.

i find this curious. and i reckon that it is a reflection of people struggling to feel that they had a purpose in my life. from my point of view, they are grasping at straws - and in the end, they want me to feel grateful for their pop-culture contributions because it is the only thing that they feel they had to offer me..... or something like that.

when i care about someone, i too want to share the music/ films / books/ art that has changed or enhanced my life. it feels good to say “you’ve never seen santa sangre? we *have* to rent it!”. there are times when pop culture helps me to tell a story about my life. if i want you to really know me, there is a good chance that i will tell you about the first time i saw the rocky horror picture show (age 14) and the first time i got up and performed in it (age 17). i don’t tell people about pop items in order to make them feel inferior or even to make them feel like i have ‘opened their eyes’ to something.

i tell people about things like: the first album (tape) that i bought on my own, the movie that me and my first close group of girlfriends watched over and over, the book i borrowed from the library and could never bear to take back, the book that i borrowed from someone in grade 9 and didn’t read until this week (i should have read it sooner), the CD i bought at some indie show in winnipeg and fell in love with. and i also tell people what i am listening to, watching, reading, drooling over right now.... so they know, on some level, where i am at.

and i admit that there is a certain amount of possessiveness about it for me too. one day, she will be listening to that album when she makes out with *someone else*. and one day, he will give the book (that i bought him as a surprise) to someone else as a present. and on some level, that hurts.

and so what i say to people who want to aggrandize themselves on their way out of my lives by throwing their pop-culture remnants in my face: don’t bother. it just serves to erase and belittle the ways that you shared yourself with me through the safety of objects.

and to my friends, who lovingly ask me for mixed CDs, and books about gender bending - who affectionately lend me science-fiction novels, graphic novels, and movies that you watched when you were 18..... keep it comin’ !!!