time & confusion

i forget things.

a few days ago, G reminded me what i was like last summer. he reminded me what hanging out with me in 20+degree temperatures is like. heat totally exacerbates all of my MS symptoms. my cognitive problems go into overdrive, body pain and achy-ness gets turned up about 10 notches, tiredness and fatigue knock me on my ass. basically, anything that sucks starts to suck way harder.

last summer, days were spent like this: wake up as late as possible in my air-conditioned (thank you strangle hold!!!) bedroom, lay on my futon stretching until actually able to physically stand up, go have a cold bath and then brush teeth and hair, come downstairs and drink water, check on kiddie pool outside (removing any debris that i had befallen it the night before), lay on the linoleum for a while, go out to the pool and sit there until being near the sun was too much, come back in and turn fans on, eat something, go back out to the pool, come back and lay on the linoleum some more, (repeat the pool + linoleum sessions - regardless if people are over visiting or not), take a nap, have dinner, go back to bed in air-conditioned room.

that pretty much sums up the 2-3 hottest months of last year. because i was not working or volunteering or even taking a class or two at night - i made every attempt to sleep through as much of the heat as i possibly could. i had no schedule i had to maintain.

suprisingly, this year i seem to be doing better. i would not say that i am doing ‘well’, but i would say better than last year.

as people may have noticed at the gig last night, i was not altogether ‘there’. after having been in all day conferences (where i had to actually *interact* with humans all day) for the last 2 days - i was totally wiped out. the combination of the mindnumbingness of conference activities, the human input overload, the heat, getting up early for so many mornings in a row, and having committed myself to more than i could handle - resulted in me being a little ‘ghostlike’. i dunno that i was *grumpy* at the show, but if i seemed to be, you can disregard it. it was more that i was sleepwalking by that point in the day.

at least i was able to show up and attend the CD release party of my favorite band (you know, aside from the weakerthans). last year, i am sure, it would not have been possible.

who by fire?

found myself humming this again today... written almost 10 years ago. funny how that happens:

while you were sewing
the sheets back
together

the distance has grown

i have left this body
in search of my own

the distance has grown
you're entranced by the dove
the distance has grown

freedom
has overcome
love

another form of prayer

jeez. i knew this would be an easy fundraising opportunity for someone like me. OF COURSE all my friends want a new object to adorn their wrists. those studded leather cuffs are so passé.

i currently have, in my possession, 20 HOPE bracelets - this is part of a fundraising incentive for the MS Society of Canada, BC Division (for those of you that don't know - i am a peer counsellor, board member and committee member of the society).

the bracelets are red and have HOPE / MS written on them.

the idea is that the bracelets both raise funds - but also raise public awareness/ visibility of Multiple Sclerosis.

if you would like to buy one from me, their cost is a minimum donation of $2 (i would suggest a donation somewhere more in the neighborhood of $5-10, but i am greedy). all the proceeds will go to supporting activities, services, and research associated with our local MS Society.

they will go fast, so lemme know if you want one.

i've got 'the cure' for this band = flamethrower

I don’t know how to tell you things without being anecdotal. I guess that might not be such a bad thing. Embracing myself as a storyteller might be next on the ‘Things to Do’ list. I forget that through stories and tales and jokes and vignettes that you really do get to know me… you’re just not getting to know me in the ways I thought you would.

Warm as I am, I read myself as being somehow impersonal. Maybe I need to lower my voice a bit. I am not sure how much more I can slow down before I completely stop.

My stories all mean a great deal to me, they just don’t cut down past the skin, through the ribcage… the way I need them to.

against my better judgement

in my ongoing effort to simplify things, i have finally gone through my video collection and taken out the films that belong to other people (which i will return to people as promptly as possible) and movies that i am GIVING AWAY. below you will find a small list of the VHS tapes that are up for grabs. please do not ask me any more (than what i have revealed below) about how some of these got into my possession - just know that you have until the end of this month to come and get ‘em if you want ‘em. after that, they will be handed over to the first organization that calls me during dinner to ask if i have any donations. i have added some short descriptions/ info about the tapes. if there is anything else you want to know, go to www.imdb.com and figure it on out.

in alphabetical order:
- Alien Resurrection (yes, i know i am losing geek cred by getting rid of this...)
- Clueless (i guess i thought it was going to be as good as Legally Blonde.)
- Mo’Better Blues (think this one was strangle hold’s. sure hope he doesn’t want it anymore.)
- Origami: The Art of Paper Folding (this was a gift. i enjoyed it. now i would like someone else to enjoy it.)
- Shortcuts (seen it 3 times. done.)
- Storyville (james spader. meow. nuff said.)
- What’s Cooking? (my mother found this sitting on a hedge when she was out for a walk one day.)
- Zarkorr! The Invader (was perfect for the cheesy sci-fi movie marathon.)

stay tuned for a list of books that i am getting rid of.

back in your life

i feel overwhelmed... with longing... beauty... starkness.

what brings these feelings of nausea and heartbreak to the fore? the book that i am going to recommend and/or lend to all of my friends and lovers... ‘blankets’, a graphic novel by craig thompson. and you know what, there *are* words inside me to describe what this 550+pg illustrated story is all about... but it is about 3 hours past my bed time.

‘blankets’.