angermeans

I joke all the time about how, because I already have MS, I am immune to other illnesses.

The reason that I joke about this is because, on some level, when one has an incurable illness, one may begin to *actually* think that the worst has already been done to them.

MS will pretty much cripple and kill me – so it really wouldn’t be fair or statistically reasonable for me to get some kind of other illness.

… or so I would like to think.

This week, I was proven wrong.

A couple of days ago I found myself standing on the side of the road in Port Coquitlam, crying harder than I have in a while – which is saying something.

Cars were streaming past me, everything was grey with smog and concrete, and for once I didn’t have a Kleenex in my purse.

I am surprised that I made it out of my doctor’s office before my body began heaving with tears. I am proud of myself for that.

It turns out that after having told all of my doctors (that’s at least three or four that I see on a semi-regular basis) about certain symptoms for over three years – that none of them had actually understood what I had told them. They all assumed, or at least made no indication other wise, that all of my symptoms were MS related. They were all wrong.

In addition to multiple sclerosis, I has been confirmed that I also have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome).

My doctor was very quick to tell me that IBS is:
a/ incurable.
b/ there are no medical treatments that he would recommend – because he says that they are all only marginally effective, they are expensive, and they have heavy side-effects.

My doctor is not skilled in the area of bedside manner. I have known that for a long time. But his parting words “You’ll just have to live with it” is what put me over the edge.

Live with it?

Fuck you.

In my five years with MS I can safely say that they have not given me any drug or treatment that has helped me. Some treatments have done nothing. Other things have made my health worse. Nothing has made my day-to-day life any better. I have had to rely on my own treatments in order to cope and manage. And now it looks like it will be the same way with this.

It’s all still sinking in – but you can imagine that I am going through all of the initial stages of shock/ mourning.

I feel angry and scared and lonely and frustrated and irritated and exhausted.

< deep breath >

Live with it.

i hope you're happy now

i feel so happy, i could barf.

it is past midnight and i am hanging out doing laundry. it has been a long, busy, grueling week. there have been ups and downs - but no drama or panic.

i was just explaining to lief tonight about how i aim to be a purposefully un-busy person. i have friends that are always running here, attending this, telling everyone about the new hot thing, buying tickets, starting projects, making resolutions, being ‘happening’... and it’s just not for me. i have done all that. i went to university. i worked full time. i volunteered. i established programs. i knew bigwigs. i fucked record producers. i was a woman about town. i was never famous, but definitely ‘seen’. there was a lot of pressure to be ontop of things all the time. trying to keep your mind wrapped around politics, activism, academia, fashion and music at the same time is no easy feat.

i don’t want to be a busybody. i aim to avoid it.

albeit these next few weeks i will engage heavily in busybody behavior. i hardly have a moment to spare. and, as we have seen this lovely friday evening, the moments that i do have to spare i intend to spend doing laundry and sitting on my living room floor.

the only time that i will likely see my friends during the upcoming weeks will be painting days (today and tomorrow) and move in day (it is looking like the 14th of october).

and yet i feel very aware these days about what amazing friends i have. part of that may be due to dalia coming back from croatia. just having her gone for a few months made me realize how much i value her input into my life and how much i value learning about her life. feeling ‘patient’ and looking forward to her coming back helped me to further appreciate other people that i have intense connections with. i can’t explain it in a way that sounds less cheesy. i guess it just refocussed some things. thanks for going on holidays, dalia!!!

additionally, some days i have to pinch myself about how rad my job is. i should clarify that and say that i have a pretty great job, with a *sensational* boss/ mentor. i enjoy learning about him almost as much as i enjoy learning about and doing research and advocacy for post-secondary education in BC. it also doesn’t hurt that i make a living wage working 60% time. there are ways for me to grow and move there, and it is up to me how i choose to utilize those mechanisms.

my new project of becoming a literacy tutor for adults is challenging, thankfully. i feel that i will make a stronger connection to the program administrator and the tutor trainer than i will with most of the other students, but that doesn’t really matter. being in a room with like-minded people, no matter how very different we may be, is heartening. becoming a tutor is going to shake my values and my self-confidence. i am sure of it. but even talking about literacy/ education for 5 minutes is enough to get me riled up for the rest of the day. i had forgotten how pivotal certain things are to me.

aside from the two weeks when lief was in turkey, we have spent at least part of pretty much every day together since we met last december. yesterday i ran into an acquaintance of mine in the streets and he referred to lief as “my guy”. at first i was all “what the fuck?” and then i realized that it was just his way of saying that lief is my permanent partner in crime. it’s true. i want him to stick around! i don’t know if ‘proud’ is the right word, but i will use it anyway - i am proud to say that he is my special gentleman friend.

the feeling of being ‘happy’ is not quite as titillating as angst or sadness or remorse - but i am not feeling a lot of pressure to titillate people these days.

i just keep on rocking on - and things just get better and better.

thanks friends!

starry lemon

Most of you humans that read this blog have already received an invitation in your in-box.

However, I will post things here – just for the sake of clarity.

So far, Parween and Yvonne have said ‘hells yeah!’ to painting on Saturday and Chold and Sarah will be joining us for the all day Sunday extravaganza.

We have room for one more person to join us on each day, if you would like. Email me ASAP and let me know if you are interested.

Lots of love,
choke_hold

EDIT: i have now confirmed that parween and yvonne will be helping us out on satuday and chold, sarah and jules will be hanging out all day sunday. unless one of these people has to cancel, i think we are all booked up. i will let you guys know if a further painting day will be required. thanks to everyone who responded so quickly!!!
****************************************


hello friendly-friends,

lief and i have been working super hard at the new apartment and we have managed to get the whole place primed. from top to bottom!!! (except for the bathroom - which we will not start working on until *after* we move in).

we have chosen lovely paint colours, which we will be picking up later this week.

i am writing to ask you to donate some of your time and energy to helping us paint.

we have extra rollers and paintbrushes waiting for you! (though if you have more - bring them along!)

all you need to do is show up wearing grubby clothes and grubby shoes and lief and i will lead the way. please bring any snacks or drinks that you would like for during the day (i will make sure there is bottled water on hand) keeping in mind that we do not have a refridgerator hooked up). at the end of each painting day we will either order pizza or indian take-out.

we hope that on both saturday and sunday that we will have 2 - 3 of you there to help us.

please email me and let me know if you will be able to come for one of these days. if you can come out and paint for anywhere from 3 – 6 hours, it would be *greatly* appreciated. it is also fun. no shit.

painting days:
saturday, september 23rd ~ noon - 6pm
sunday, september 24th ~ noon - 6pm

see you soon!

blutvergiftung

this week i gave one amazing gift and received *two* amazing gifts in return.

firstly, i have a problem. i seem to be entirely uncoordinated when it comes to documenting the knitted gifts i make. so far, i would say that 20-30 knit things (mainly scarves) have gone out in to the world. this week i handed over the snuggly baby-blanket that i knit the crap out of for two weeks. if ever i have the chance, i will go over to sam & matthew's place and take a picture. for now you will have to believe that the fade from yellow into 'mixed apple' and then on through to aqua blue is absolutely adorable. it was a lovely present to make and to give.

the first present that i received this week was a new syringe box. now, to normal people that is not a rad gift. however, lief got me a super cool one where i can lay the used syringes on a tray, pull a little lever forward and the needles drop safely into the body of the box. it is not only hygienic, but also entertaining. MS membership has its privileges.

finally, today when i checked the mail at my apartment there was a non-letter shaped envelope addressed to me. because of the printing and the way it said Ms (the s looked a little like a zed), i thought it was a note from dalia. no such luck! however, once i went up to my suite, i sat on the floor and opened it up. it was a thank you card from my real estate agent. a very sweet and personal note. she also included a smaller envelope. in that envelope was a generous gift certificate to my favorite bedding store. she knew that lief and i will be buying a king sized bed - and she has helped us afford to adorn it with extravagant sheets. i teared up. but then again, i tear up fairly regularly.

day-in day-out

this is as much for my benefit as it is for yours.

i will be at the new place:
sunday, sept 17th noon - 5pm
monday, sept 18th 6pm - 9pm
tuesday, sept 19th 2pm - 6pm

in case you lost track, and i know that i did, this week also marks the onslaught of training for the I-CARE literacy tutoring.

additionally, lief will be going for his motorcycle exam (yeeeeaaaaaah!), i have a couple dr appointments, and there will be a super-special visit to the massage therapist.

dalia is going to come by the new place on tuesday afternoon and get elbow deep in primer. then we will go back to my mom's place to work on a not-so-super-secret secret button making project. right on!

email on the streets says that the lovely why-vonne may also make an appearance at chez hold-eriksen this weekend. out of sight!

lily white hands

as you can see, when i am not having nervous breakdowns about the financial and emotional pressures of home-ownership, i am having a really fucking good time.










the lovely and handy lief eriksen breaks all the rules by painting in his unnawears. yum!

this apparatus must be unearthed

if you are wondering where i am, it is safe to say that i am at the new place doing *something*.

this weekend will involve much organization, procuring of supplies, preparing of surfaces, and launching into PRIMING the hell out of the apartment from top to bottom.

if you want to drop by the new place, i will be there:
saturday 12 - 4pm
sunday 12 - 4pm
monday 11 - 6pm
tuesday 11 - 6pm

let me know if you are going to drop on by.

she blinded me with science

I just wrote to the folks at the Masters in Genetic Counselling program at UBC to ask them how I could best utilize my background in Women’s Studies, Sociology, and Counselling in order to excel in their program. Ha! Bit of a longshot. I reckon I would have two years of science in front of me before I would be eligible to apply to their program.

Does it make a difference that I *intended* to do sciences at SFU? For those of you who have known me less than 5 years, you may not know that I actually went to SFU to do Physics and Math. No shit.

I think I took one Biology course, some 1st year Calculus, and some kind of Environmental Sciences Class (help me out here, Dalia – you were there! Remember? Woah!) before I quickly shifted gears into post-colonial, post-modern, gender-sex-sexuality-queerio-freakazoid studies.

I meant to head towards some kinda quantum physics realm and I ended up writing papers on a feminist’s right to be a kinky slut. What gives?

And now the hunt for a Masters program is on.

Really, the only reason I even know what a Genetic Counsellor does is because I have met several of them along the MS Path of Making Friends and Influencing People.

I have about two months to get my ass in gear if I want to start a program in 2007. I think we can safely say that the outcome is unlikely. I have one of my academic references lined up and I have a couple solid work/ research/ professional references.

The problem is…where do I apply….?

i can't wait

in case you are wondering, *this* is where i will be preparing snacks for you when you come over to our house.










oh, and what will the kitchen look like? something reminiscent of *this*.

curse of the lighthouse keeper

lief and i seem to have no problems finding/ making/ buying both chairs and lighting.

while we are still on the hunt for a dresser, a bed, a headboard/ bedframe, sidetables, and bookcases, we clearly have the coolest lamps in the universe.

love.

LOVE.

i've tried the phone, but i'm too shy... can't speak

i am trying to decide what i will do about phone/ internet/ cable at the new place.

here is what i would like:

- high speed internet (none of the 'light' versions, thank you)
- basic phone service with some room for decently priced long-distance in canada
- basic or full cable, depending on what the jump from one to the other is

i don't want to committ to paying a monkey load of money every month. i have enough big bills for now! if there is any way to do all of this for under $100, i would be happy. no hidden costs! no unexpected fees! (though i do understand that there are inevitable hook-up costs).

we have ownership of both a telus and a shaw modem - so that helps a little with the prices offered by both of those service providers.... but i still really want to look around and weigh my options over the weekend.

who do you guys use? for what? how are the services? what about the prices? TELL ME MORE!

birds of prey

pink is the new black.

orange is the new pink.

and clearly, owls are the new crow.

did i call this one or what?