the crane takes flight

in the very near future (within the next 6 weeks) i will be giving away my futon bed. it's just a futon mattress, no frame. if you want it - message me or call me.

over and out.

choose any memory

IT’S OVER!!!!

due to my mother leaving town for the holidays, and my bro and his girlfriend having 3 other obligatory holiday meals happening in the next week, hexmas happened at my house last night. despite my bad mood yesterday, we had a lovely time. tofurkey, squash, stuffing, broccoli, carrots, cranberries, mushroom gravy, cheese-sauce, sugar pie, and some red wine. yum. i was so excited about giving presents this year - that i almost exploded (which is pretty much how it is every year). like i have told people before, i am wonderful at keeping other people’s secrets - and terrible at keeping my own.

i want to thank all of my amazing friends for making donations to the ‘bedding down with choke hold’ fund. thanks to y’all, i am almost halfway to being able to afford a new bed. i anticipate that i will be buying one at the end of january (just in time for my birthdoo). just for shits and giggles, i am going to sleep country today - i just might take a nap while i am there.

if anyone has words of wisdom or recommendations about getting a bed - please share that with me now.

in addition, i have from now until january 4th off from work and volunteer work. we are going to party like it’s on sale for $19.99.

hold on, i'm coming

I am particularly anti-social these days. Some dude who works at one of the nonprofits on another floor in my building just came to invite me to their afternoon par-tay at the office. Normally, I would be interested in this. Meeting people in my building – learning more about the organization that the dude (an acquaintance of mine) works for – getting out of my office for a half an hour. Instead, I have opted to listen to some classic R&B and have a hardcore filing fest in my office.

These anti-social words of warning keep floating through my head:

“If I don’t show up, I’m not coming”.

Dig that.

you and me, remembering

I’ve been feeling like such a flake lately. There are things that I need to get done. I have them all written down. At work, I start projects, and halfway through them, I forget what the hell I am supposed to be doing. One of the parts of having MS that I totally struggle with/ resent is my inability to retain information and instructions. I forget names of everyday objects. I forget names of people, the instant I hear them. The short-term memory problems make me feel like a total loser-face. It all makes me appear that I am not diligent, that I don’t care about my work, that I don’t have the skills that I claim to have, that my mind is elsewhere. My friends have been very forgiving – but I know that sometimes they think that I am just being uncaring or inconsiderate. The plaques on my brain are erasing my personality – piece by piece. It breaks my heart. It really does. It has always been so important that the people around me read me as being capable, knowledgeable, and focussed – because I *am* all of those things… underneath it all.

It is tempting to write this all off as a self-esteem problem. That is not the case. I feel good about who I am. And I know that I am not imagining the way that people look at me as I point at a kettle or telephone or eggplant and find myself entirely unable to figure out what it’s called. Where I once would have taken my time and worked my way through something, I get frustrated and irritable. This isn’t me.

Some days, I can actually feel it. I can feel my brain dying. And other days, it just feels like the good person that I have worked so hard to become is falling away. I watch her break into pieces, and there is nothing that I can do about it.

I miss myself.

catherine the grateful

It’s official. The ‘end-of-the-year-what-does-it-all-mean’ crises have officially begun.

In the last week I have received several phone calls and emails from long-lost (I guess ‘lost’ implies that our departures from one another were by accident – most of my partings with people are on purpose… not to be mean or anything) friends and lovers. Huh. Well, what can I say? I have done it too. Somewhere around the middle of December, people start to realize that the year is *almost over* – that they will be turning *one more* year older this year (creeping dangerously towards our 30’s or 40’s) – and that maybe they have not turned out to be the kind of people that they wished they were. Somehow, I fit into this equation for some people. The Regret of the Year for many of my ex-friends/ ex-lovers seems to be that they are sorry that they have not been there for me as I have hammered out my first few years with MS. People have been scared. People have been intimidated. People have been selfish. And now, those people are sorry.

I shouldn’t be so flip about this. Several of the long lost friends and lovers are more than welcome to reenter my life. I know how dreadful it can be to send off an email of apology. You feel vulnerable and raw – and you wait for a reply of doom.

In all seriousness, I totally understand the ‘end-of-the-year-what-does-it-all-mean’ crises. I understand where people are coming from – and I plan to treat them gently. In the past, people have afforded me the opportunity to wallow in my own self-doubt and barf out hyper-apologetic rants. I plan on returning the favour.

I guess I should hurry up and make my *own* list of people to apologize to/ rekindle friendships with. After all, Hexmas is just around the corner.