playing for keeps

thank you for your continued support.

my friends, i rely on you. i rely on you for your words and for your silence. i rely on you for encouragement and understanding. i rely on you for rides to random doctor’s appointments. and rides to weekly burrito-eating outings. i rely on your sense of humor, your sense of wonder, your common sense. i rely on you for your consideration and forgiveness. i rely on you to keep seeing me as a person - even when i can’t see myself as one. i rely on you to let me change and to let me see you change. i rely on your honesty and courage. i rely on your knitting, d&d, nunchuck skills.

things are changing quickly... quickly by my skewed sense of time and action. as of today, i am not only employed as a volunteer counselling practicum student - but also i am employed at my first real job that i have held for years. i am nervous and excited and a little overwhelmed.

knowing that i have so many super-friends/ super-family to rely on - and who clearly know that they can rely on me - is quite possibly the most important thing in my life.

for the times that i forgot to say it.... thank you.

ain't it the truth

growing up, people often spread lies and gossip about me (and also about the people that i was friends with/ associated with). this was usually because they didn’t like the ways in which i was different from them or because they did not like it when i called them on their shit.

some things never change.

a friend of mine once told me that spreading gossip is much like waving the feathers of a pillow into the wind - - - you feel like you know what you are doing at the time, but you never know where those feathers will land.

on an intellectual level i have always felt that when a person talks shit - that it will eventually bite them in the ass. it’s not really a karma thing that i have believed in... but more so that the negativity, insincerity, and often painfully obvious defensiveness/ insecurity/ disrespectfulness/ jealously/ cowardice on the part of the gossiper is revealed by their own actions. sometimes the process takes a long time - for someone who is malicious or careless to be revealed for what they are. and i am realizing more and more that sometimes that day never comes... largely because people who spend time with a liar know that calling that person into question is more likely to make them the next target of the gossip. (if your friend gossips about her and him and everyone else - what makes you think that they would not stoop down and do it to you?). many people feel very threatened by this (and rightly so, in many cases) and prefer to just listen to the gossip and sweep it under the rug.

but those feathers fly.

despite my intellectual understanding of these situations - i was reminded today of just how much it hurts. it hurts when untruths and misconceptions land in the palms of people who have not yet had the chance to know me. it does hurt. and i guess that means that gossip is an effective way to retaliate - if that’s what you’re into.

i have found myself in a situation where the partner of a friend of mine has heard outrageous things about me. i talked with my friend about it tonight. she and i both know that if her lover knew me - that he: a/ would have to seriously question the mental stability/ ability to distinguish fact from fantasy on the part of the gossiper b/ could not possibly believe that i have said/ done the things that have been gossiped about - as they are violently out of line with the way that i am, the way i conduct myself, the way that i approach the world.

but my friend’s partner doesn’t know me. he trusts the gossiper, because he doesn’t know any reason not to. and the feathers have stuck.

i have not decided what i am going to do. i have confronted the gossiper several times... this only adds fuel to the fire. and this whole drama bores me.

there are so many other ways that people have to struggle to make themselves feel recognized/ heard/ validated/ accepted. in this situation - i am going to have to work much harder and with much more mindfulness and sensitivity in order to show myself as i actually am.

if the liar-pants wanted to talk to me, to confront me about something that i said or did (that has obviously put them in a situation where they have to build lies in order to deflect attention from themselves) then i would be open to hearing their voice. but as it stands - i would gladly duct-tape their mouth shut...

it’s funny how gossips seem to be able to talk to *everyone* about the situation, except for the person that they are talking *about*.

yawn.

rock me now

the pieces of this jigsaw puzzle have been laying on my coffee table for the last three years - as i have sat, paced, smoked, run to the store for refreshments, screened my calls. yes, this is a run-of-the-mill metaphor.

i am not use to trying to fit together a jigsaw puzzle when i have no idea what the end result is going to look like.... but something is finally emerging. some pieces are finally falling into place.

murphy’s law has grabbed me by the hand.

only days ago, i finally threw out the stack of handouts that i took at the orientation session (intake for volunteers) at one of the nonprofit organizations that i respect in vancouver. it has been months since i applied to be considered to become a sexual and reproductive health counsellor for this organization. i realized that i was up against nurses and doctors in training - vying for a once a week volunteer position. i threw out the pamphlets and accepted that it was going to be much harder than i had thought - to gain a practicum placement/ fulfilling volunteer position.

and then.... they called me. yesterday they phoned me. today i went for an interview. next week is my first of many training shifts. and barring any wacky happenings - i will be committing myself to working for them once a week for the next year. i am overjoyed and scared as hell.

the organization also seems to be very receptive to practicum students - and may go out of their way to ensure that the work that i do counts towards the completion of my certificate. how do you like them apples?

i kept thinking that dealing with my school was going to be a hurdle - but now... i really don’t care. i think that if the college is not willing to see that this is the *exact* volunteer position that i have been looking for, that i should just move on and accept the position regardless.

if i have to fight, i will fight.

in addition, i have a job interview for a *permanent* part time position working with a wonderful nonprofit organization. though i am not very familiar with this organization, i have been told that they are well respected, do good work with limited resources, and have some amazing people working for them. come next week, i may be one of those people.

i continue on with my volunteer position at the MS Society - as a peer counsellor. and now, i am a board member. i am not sure what i am doing there yet - but i have been driven to stay involved with them and i will trust that this is all for the best.

so... the dance card begins to fill up... the jigsaw starts to look like *something*... and i faintly remember what it was like to feel useful.

this is not ‘busy work’. this is work. paid or unpaid, it is a chance to fill my days with projects and people and learning - just like the good old days.

the places you have come to fear the most

yes, i am scared.

scared of what? scared of becoming a counsellor.

why am i scared of becoming a counsellor? it seems like there are a billion reasons. and those reasons have paralyzed me.

i have had very serious doubts as to whether or not i am going to fulfill the requirements of my Counselling Certificate. arrogance aside, the coursework/ class work for the program were not a big challenge. the papers, tests, and most of the assignments were more interesting than anything else. i held a 4.0 GPA without breaking a sweat. now that i have to do my practicum... i am sweating up a storm. it is one thing to practice empathic counselling techniques with fellow classmates in a safe, supportive, and somewhat predictable environment. it will be another thing to sit down with people who *really need help*. this is also different from sitting down with friends who really need help. my classmates were there to work with me - to learn skills alongside me. my friends throw curve balls at me sometimes - but i feel that i have a holistic understanding of their lives, of the context of the things that are weighing on their minds. and i also know that if i am not a very good listener some days, or if i say something lame - - - that they will forgive me.

many of my fears stem from ignorance. not uncommon. but i feel that i am totally naive when it comes to many things.... drug use, alcoholism, incest, mental health, rape, abuse, poverty, gender identity, culture/ language issues. i think about these things a lot.... but have very limited exposure to them. and i am intimidated by them. if a sex trade worker came in to see me and she had just been beaten up by a john - what would i do? i don’t know. sitting there and empathizing with her is not enough, in my opinion.

people keep telling me that i will do well as a counsellor - that i need to take some risks and put myself in a position where i can learn skills on the front line. i’m not so sure about this. i am not someone that does well in ‘trial by fire’ situations. i need to feel prepared in order to hold my confidence. i would not be prepared for most of the things that i would face as a counsellor/ community social worker.

i just keep feeling like my life has not prepared me to be an effective counsellor, and my school program has not prepared me to be an effective counsellor.

i have a lot of compassion for people. i am not someone who nods their head and pretends that they are listening. my care for people runs deep into my stomach, my bones, my heart, my self. i really do want to hear what people have to say about themselves/ their lives. and i also really want people to find a way to be okay. find their own way of living a beautiful life.

it is difficult to believe that my desire to care is *enough* to put myself out there. i feel that i am at a crossroads. i have to make the decision to work my ass off to find a practicum placement - even if it scares the bejesus out of me. or i have to quit - and realize that counselling is not the role/ job for me - and move on.

counting backwards

“how good it feels to finally forgive you...”

i apologize in advance for using an alanis morisette line to open this entry.

okay. so. for my counselling program we have to do all these practice session thingies. for one semester we were hooked up with another student and we had to counsel each other (on video tape) for an hour each week. it was intense to play back the tapes and watch ourselves “in action”.

when i was being a counsellee, i got onto the topic of my exboyfriend that i was engaged to. i talked about the magic of that relationship. the otherworldliness of being with him. of how being with him stopped time. i told the woman that was counselling me that even though i have no idea where he is, whether or not he is alive, or if i will ever see him again - - - that he is often still the first thing that i think about when i get up in the morning.

my love for him doesn’t hurt any more. i don’t “miss” him. but i hold him close. i let him live inside me. and i think that i let him take up that space in my heart that is reserved for deep/intimate/sexual love. i have left plenty of room in the rest of my heart for friends and lovers and family and exciting strangers.

the woman who was counselling me asked me what it would take for me to open that space up. and if i could still cherish the relationship i had with him - without using it to block new people out.

i have been pondering that ever since. i don’t think that i want him to take up that space any more. he has inspired me in countless ways (most of which he has not been here to see). i value who he has been in my life. but one day i need to wake up and realize that he really. is. gone.

maybe part of that is forgiving him for leaving. forgiving myself for telling him to leave. i am not sure how to do that yet.... but it is time that i figured it out.

it’s hard to want to remove him from the place that i have put him in my heart. i have never met someone as intense, surreal, sensual, overwhelming, capable, creative, raw, romantic, silly, adorable, and connected as he was. it’s hard to give that up and let something else happen.

i know. it’s time to get over it.

amor omnia vincit.

the harder they come

recently, i read the book ‘high fidelity’.

for those of you that have seen the movie - - - the film is about as close to the novel as a film can get. the majority of the script for the movie was taken directly (word for word) from the book. that in mind... i enjoyed the book much less than the movie (which has more to do with my love for john and joan cusak than anything else).

all my complaints and irritations aside, ‘high fidelity’ has one message that i can identify with.

“What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?”

i have talked about this before... i am not sure if the music or the emotion comes first. i can be feeling totally fine - - - but if i throw on an album by the weakerthans, knapsack, green day, onelinedrawing, elvis costello, cursive, coheed and cambria, mars volta, dashboard confessional, elliot smith, death cab for cutie, etc. etc. etc. i can end up in a totally different mood. for instance, i was just *thinking* about the song ‘pets’ by porno for pyros and i ended up feeling desperate, unwilling to make connections to the people around me. maybe i was already feeling that way... but simply humming the song made me feel like i would marry my cat and never answer the phone again.

for someone as optimistic and ‘sunny’ as i tend to be (morbid sense of humor aside) i wonder why it is that all i want to listen to is emo. do i want to be sad... or do i want the music to ‘let’ me be sad? i dunno.

don’t get me wrong, i have my destiny’s child, mr. justin timbah-lake, sly and the family stone, missy elliot, rupaul, shonen knife, waitresses, apples in stereo, etc. etc. etc. kinda moments. but if i had to answer a desert-island type question - - - my choice would likely be an album that makes me cry. cry and dance.

w00t!

as for the book ‘high fidelity’ - - - i would generously give it a 6 out of 10. the main character *is* the story - and i find him to be unlikeable and frustrating. if you are looking for a mind-candy type of book - it is a quick read. don’t buy it, borrow it. that is my advice to you. chris and sarah can back me up on this - or refute it.

arrows to the action

sometimes bitching and moaning pays off. well... kinda.

one of my friends at the MS Society has heard me complain that the ‘face of MS’ is portrayed as an upper-middle-class white woman with a husband and grown children. on some levels, this makes sense - seeing that more caucasians are affected by the disease - and more women are affected (a 2:1 ratio to men). anyway, my bitching and moaning has paid off - - - in the form of an assignment. my friend has asked me to write an article about what it’s like being a young, queer, welfare-recipient woman living with MS. this article will be published in ‘Shared Voices’, a newsletter type-thingie that is published by the MS Society.

now i have to consider what it is that i hope to get across to readers when i write the article. what do i want to tell them? the majority of the people that read the article will be people who have MS, and those that live with them and support them. so i guess i am talking to other people that share knowledge and/ or personal experience with the disease.

i need to pick a focus. class/ poverty issues, gender issues, race/ ethnicity/ language issues, sex/uality issues, age issues, dis/ability issues, resource issues. where do i start?

the reason that i agreed to this assignment is because i reckon that i need to put my money where my mouth is. if i feel like i am being ‘left out’, unsupported, unacknowledged - and i feel that other people (who are different from me) are also being glossed over - - - i need to be constructive. bitching aside, i want to write an article that opens people’s minds and also offers possible solutions or plans of action.

In all likelihood, this article (500 words or less) will be a personal account of my own experience - that will perhaps open up more dialogue and thought about the diversity that exists within similarities. the fact remains that health care policy, social services policy, and public perception are formed based on a generalization. i am not sure that is avoidable - but i do think that it can be modified - can be more inclusive.

dig it.