bastard in love

Oh god. Give me a fucking break.

So, every month or two, I have some sort of breakdown… where I go ahead and read the online journals or look at the personal websites of people that I have ‘broken-up’ with. These are websites of ex-friends or ex-lovers.

Which brings me to this: Why are people so fake around the issues of health and physical activity, especially when it comes to writing in their blogs?

Ok. Sounds weird at first, doesn’t it? Well, here’s the thing… I try and get people to do physical activities all the time. Wanna go for a walk? Wanna meet me at the gym? Wanna hike around the park? Wanna take a silly yoga class with me?

The two most annoying website people… one is an ex-friend, one is an ex-lover… both have little or no commitment to eating well, exercising (going so far as to complain if I wanted to walk to a store that was further than a block from where they lived), or really being active in any way.

Now that they are getting their dicks sucked by their respective girlfriends, they both drone on and on about the super-cool healthy things they do. Fuck man, I really want to punch both of them in the junk.

Yeah dude, you are *totally* into cycling and hiking and swimming. It’s *totally* part of your ‘lifestyle’. Yes, eating lots of fresh fruits and veggies is just *part of who you are*. Yeah, I mean, we all give in and have some popcorn at the movies or whatever, but you have always been committed to taking care of your nutritional wellbeing. Total. Fucking. Bullshit.

When this chick leaves you, and surely she will… you will go back to the couch and wait until the next girl comes along. Chances are (100%) that you will meet the next one on the internet too.

Why all this hostility? It takes me about 20 times the energy to do the same things you do. And when you have no one there to stick your cock in, you just don’t think it’s worth the hassle to do anything but sit on your fucking asses in your house… watching more videos… rolling more dice… zoning out in front of computers.

With me, I had to do all the work. I had to try and inspire you, to get you moving, to treat yourself well, and to care about your health. It was ridiculous, the kind of effort I had to put in to get you to go for a walk.

And now that it impresses someone else, someone who isn’t me – you are all about fun, healthy, active living.

This is yet another reminder of why I do not stay in touch with people who I used to date…. and why I completely delete friends when things go south. I do not want to be this irritated. I do not want to care. I am reminded at how I have chosen to share myself with people who are not genuine. People who are lazy fucking fake ass pathetic jerks.

It would be one thing if either of the people who have pissed me off today has actually ‘turned a new leaf’. They haven’t. This is part of their ongoing codependence, insecurity, and grandstanding.

If you have to write about it on your blog every fucking time you go for a 10 minute bike ride – then it is kind of obvious that this is all new to you… and that you have something to prove to your audience.

Blow me.

l'hymne a l'amour

today, while i was bathing, i thought about what it would be like to have your hands stroking my body. i thought about what your hands would do on such unfamiliar territory. what your hands would tell you.

i wanted to come and meet you tonight. really, i did. i wanted to show up, dressed in plain clothing, not trying to be anything in particular. i would tell you that i want to come home with you tonight. i want to stay in your bed. i would kiss you. i would kiss you without preparation. without asking or warning or testing the waters.

i thought about what you would see. i thought about the scars and birthmarks and oddities that other people have mapped but never understood. your hands would glaze over my newest needle mark bruise (i have never had steady hands) and you would ask me what it was. i would tell you.

i would ask you how you felt about blood and, in the light of the night, somehow find a towel in the hall closet. i would lay it across your bed, ensuring that we could make a mess with no consequences. we would laugh, making fun of the imprints that the towel fibers made on our asses, backs, knees, elbows... as the night went on.

in the early morning we would be giddy. our eyes would cry with laughter as we realized how ridiculous and beautiful our bodies looked there. together.

today, while i was bathing, i thought about how the doubts would slip away if you were there with me. naked.

patient boy

Today, I finally understood it.

I finally realized that I had no control over it. There was nothing in my reach, nothing in my power, nothing in my capabilities that could have made you feel better. You told me, a million times, that it was all inside of you. You told me that I made you feel as amazing as you possibly could – but there was a ceiling, a limitation, a dead end.

Your dead end was heroin.

My dead end is illness.

I understand you, love you, fear you, embrace you, and hate you more now than I ever did in the comfort of your arms.

You are not a human anymore. You are an archetype, a magic eight ball, a tarot card, an episode of déjà vu that seems to shadow me wherever I go.

When my doctor asked me if I believed in medicine, I told her that I did – but that in the end, no one can help me. No one can save me. If I drown, then I drown.

the high party

well, why the hell not?

i officially call to order yet another installment of full-contact scrabble.

saturday, august 13, 2005
6pm onwards
hoolie house

it's simple. really, it is.

please bring scrabble boards and vegetarian/ vegan snacks to share.

i will provide 2 scrabble boards to start us off. i am sure to make some pinepple upsidedown cake (but you will only get a bite or two of that if you show up early).

all geeks are welcome (i.e. bring your friends).

RSVP to me and lemme know how many people are coming - and whether or not you have a board (yes, david, this means *scrabble* board) you will be bringing.

looking forward to handing you your ass on a platter,
choke_hold

leash

i would like to take this opportunity to say HAPIR BIRTHDOO to our blog.

HAPIR BIRTHDOO blog! i know i am two days early... but better early than never. that's what i *always* say.

maybe i will make a substantial entry one of these days. and maybe strangle hold will post again one day. you never know.