hXc judge

It was recently brought to my attention that I come off as being judgmental. For many of you that know me, this may seem overwhelmingly obvious. To me, it was not.

Truth be told, I was a little shocked. I wondered how my ‘insides’ had gotten so bungled and misshapen that when they got to the ‘outside’ that they had turned into exactly the opposite of what I had intended them to be.

Deep breath.

Aside from my desire to be defensive, to blame other people for misinterpreting my actions/ my personality – it actually made me wonder why so many people have told me so many secrets over the years. It made me wonder why people would make ‘confessions’ to someone who is so judgmental.

And then it hit me….

Much like my falling in love with a compulsive liar at the age of 16, there is something even more *particularly* meaningful about exposing your underbelly scars to someone who is liable to rip them apart and show you just how nasty they are. Being close to that liar made me feel like I was the only person alive that could be trusted with the truth.

But it’s true. I find myself thinking “Who does shit like that? How does someone who acts like that actually have ‘friends’? You have got to be fucking joking.”

Tonight, over drinks and platter chatter, I found out that two people who are close to me have gone so far beyond stepping over a personal/ respect boundary that I could not even sit there with them. It actually boggles my mind that they would not think of their actions as being inappropriate – as they would both be deeply hurt (on both an emotional and intellectual level) if someone did to them what they did to me.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

As ungodly as I am, the concept of ‘Do unto others’ seems beyond elementary.

For the love of fuck… Don’t lie. Don’t make excuses. Don’t fucking rationalize it. If you do something that is absolutely offensive and hurtful to the ones that you love, learn how to be a better friend.

It’s true. I am judging whether or not I can trust you. I am judging whether or not I want to stand toe to toe with you. And I am also judging my own moves – and ways that they may impact you, for good or for bad.

I want to throw up right now.

conjunction junction

How very productive of me.

Had a bad morning… a little something called Interferon hangover prevented me from going out for breakfast at Dockers before sliding in to work at 10:30am. By the time noon rolled around, I was in much less pain – yet decidedly incapable of focusing on my work.

When in doubt, run errands!

The roundtrip tour, by foot, of downtown Vancouver lasted from about 3pm – 5:15pm. Whew!

The good thing about running errands is that they are so nonspecific. As long as I managed to mail some business-related materials and also stop by to do some company banking, I figured it was a good use of my time.

As luck would have it, I also managed to squeeze in *a few* personal stops along the way.

What personal errands did I run today? Well, let me tell you:
- Picked up a schwack of tickets for the Saturday portion of the Vancouver International Burlesque Festival. For those of you playing along at home, it’s true that I am not a huge fan of burlesque. I have done my fair share of strutting and shaking it on stage – and I wholeheartedly support burlesque as an art form, but the truth is that I find it boring and/ or annoying. In this case, my brother has chosen to celebrate his birthdoo at the show. Happily, Lief and I both now have tickets and are well on our way to having costumes to wear to the show. The costumes involve short shorts.
- Bought tickets for Lief, Emme and I to attend the Katari Taiko show at the Vancouver East Cultural Centre. It sounds like Reiko and her crew have been working their butts off to get this performance together. I look forward to lots of yelling. I like yelling.
- Browsed for shoes. Six years later and I have still not found black pointy flats. Kitten heel? No thank you. But alas, I keep looking.
- Also looked for replacement green mary janes. Why do I always seem drawn to green mary jane’s? I dunno. I had to turf the last pair a few weeks ago and my business casual wardrobe is suffering because of it.
- Ate lunch at a food fair place called ‘Opa!’. You may be savvy enough to guess that it was Greek food. It was fine. For the $8 I paid, I would probably not eat there again. I give it a 4 out of 10. Luckily, as I was munching away, Elsie walked by. Even without my glasses I was able to recognize her and hail her down. Seeing her made the ‘Opa!’ experience worth while.
- I browsed for both panties and a new swimsuit. Yes, I know I have a million pairs of unnawears, but I am always on the lookout for a style that will give me a boner *and* fit on my butt. The new swimsuit is absolutely necessary – but nothing was found. I checked a couple of the sports stores at Pacific Centre and they do not carry TYR, the only brand that makes a speed suit that actually fits my ass and titties. The hunt shall continue.

As you can see, despite minor setbacks and feelings of extreme pain and nausea, I managed to have a relatively productive day.

whores of babylon

Yesterday I got a message from my mom, saying that she had a question about the internet.

My guess was that she was wondering why her hotmail wasn’t working (again). As adorable as she is, I am entirely unsure as to why she wanted me to get her an email account, considering that she has an ongoing problem of ‘failing to sign in for 30 consecutive days’.

But I digress…

Before bed, I finally get a chance to phone her back and ask her what her question about the internet was.

Turns out that she wants to buy something over the internet and wants to know if it is safe to give her VISA number out.

My first question is: What is it that you would like to buy?

Like 10 million other humans, my mom watched the Oprah show yesterday and heard about this amazing thing called The Secret. The Secret is a book and video project that involves all sorts of spiritually fulfilled people – telling you how you, too, can be fulfilled.

Why do I know this? Well, a friend of mine, a recovering AA person with an admittedly Amway type of job asked me if I would be open minded enough to watch it.

Hells, I have paid people $50 and hour to cure my MS by having them push on my tendons, so why not give The Secret the benefit of the doubt?

Sitting down to watch The Secret, it looked kinda hippy-ish/ eclectic/ cheesy, but that’s okay. The initial message is great. Filled with common sense. Some might even say that we have heard it many times before…

THINK POSITIVE

Okey dokes. Moving right along then… well, the thing is that The Secret doesn’t actually move along past that. The whole ‘secret’ is that there are laws of positive attraction. If you ACTUALLY will good things into your life, they will come. If you do it wrong or fake it or are a crappy person, they WON’T.

The stars of this DVD, outrageously fulfilled people with all sorts of hairstyles, repeat over and over – in as many superficial ways as possible – that ‘you are the master/ mistress of your own destiny’, ‘there is more than enough wealth and abundance for everyone’.

The philosophy, while with some merit, is individualistic to the point where it pretty much asserts that if you are down and out, doing badly, fat, poor, depressed, oppressed, bored, etc that it is because you have willed those things into being. The lack of *any* understanding of community/ society/ systems is actually angering… at least to me.

So when my momma wanted to buy this video, I told her not to waste her money – and that she may want to reconsider wasting her time. I offered to bring our copy over to her (See? Abundance is everywhere!), but I told her that I could sum it up for her in a few words.

IF THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG IN YOUR LIFE, IT IS BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T INVOKE ANYTHING BETTER

‘nuff said.

A tiny little part of me felt like “Oh crap! I *totally* just invoked negativity into my life because I talked shit about The Secret”.

Fear it.