stay hungry

“I miss you.”

I wonder what it is about that phrase that acts as Kryptonite to me. At work, sometimes S and I would call each other and try to say things to freak/ gross each other out – pretending that we were each other’s current or ex-partners.

“I miss you.”
“Do you miss me?”
“I am lonely.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“What do you like most about me?”
“I need you.”

All of these things caused us to groan and make fake barfing sounds. We, of course, would exaggerate the accents or intonations of our most recent ex-lovers. This caused much nervous laughter, as it was all too true/ realistic.

It is funny that she and I had the exact same dry-heave reactions to these phrases, considering out markedly different ethnic/ cultural/ language/ family backgrounds, dating styles, gender/ sexuality orientations, lifestyles, and dating pools.

The common thread is that we are both empowered, confident, outgoing, sexually active ladies who are not dating ‘with marriage in mind’.

And so this topic of “I miss you” has come up again recently. Thankfully, my special gentleman-friend knows that I am trying desperately to create some positive associations with ‘missing’ someone.

I sent him an email today saying that maybe “I miss you” could come to mean “I am happy, but would love it if you were here” and also “I feel sad, and will be okay, but it sure would be comforting to have you here”.

Co-dependency gives me the vapours.

Sometimes people are insecure, and that’s okay. Low self esteem is rampant and I think that I have been more than accommodating to the quirks that people develop out of their own need for self acceptance. I *expect* ups and downs and hiccups from people in terms of their ability to be genuine and their need for reassurance.

But let me just say that I would rather hear “Right now I am afraid that I love you more than you love me” or “I have really strong feelings for you and it is freaking me out” than “I miss you”.

It’s gonna take time for me to create new meaning out of those three little words.

ride darkhorse, ride

oh, so many things!

i am a quarter the way through knitting a creamsicle scarf (installment deux). most of you did not get to see the first creamsicle scarf i knit because i sold it during the christ-mas craft table fiasco of 2005. regardless, during this busy day i managed to plunk myself down for a good three hours and knit the heck outta some stuff. i know it is spring and it is time for me to experiment with lighter weight yarns and more ‘springy’ fashions - - - but it is safe to say at this point that i am addicted to scarves. really though, wait until you see this one. adorable.

speaking of which, i finally found a loving home for the purple + lilac+ white cotton scarf i made a few months back. after long last, i took V out for her birthday lunch - and she is just the lady to rock the hell outta that thang.

back to the topic at hand:
this morning i waited for over 20 minutes for the head of the masters in public policy prog to show up. apparently, she did not check her day planner this morning. i don’t mind waiting and tend to not be in a hurry - but i was on a bit of a tight schedule. just as i was about to leave, she arrived.

long story short ------> turns out that there is actually some chick that has MS that is doing the prog right now. what are the odds!?! MS people are sneaky. we are everywhere. even in your bed. even in your post secondary institutions.

the prog *can* be modified so that i take two courses per semester. in which case, i would finish the prog in three years instead of two. like i said, i tend to not be in much of a hurry to get through things, so that sounds a-okay to me. i was very open with her about my commitment to my work at CUFA and that i have no intention of leaving my position there while i am studying. i was also open with her about how vague i am about public policy. what do i like? what will i concentrate on? what type of work do i plan to do? TBA.

the meeting went very well and she heartily encouraged me to apply. she feels that even though i would miss out on some of the benefits of the ‘cohort’ aspect of the full time program that i would fit in very well. awwww, shucks!

i thanked her for her time and let her know that i plan to apply for the program and that i hope she will strongly consider my application. firm handshake and i ran out the door.

the rest of my morning/ afternoon was spent heading out to the airport (clearly one of my fav places in vancouver), eating the world’s most amazing harvey’s veggie burger (extra EXTRA pickles), hunting for a photo booth (not to be found - due to construction), and making out in the airport with my special gentleman friend. not one for long goodbyes, i gave him a final smooch or three and headed out of the airport 45 minutes before his flight departed.

i am off of work until the 26th and i have lists and lists of wonderful things that i want to do. some of those items involve cleaning... but mainly they have to do with running, swimming, knitting, dancing, lifting up heavy objects and putting them back down again, eating, talking, reading, and seeing friends as people head off for their summer adventures. you know where to find me if you want to run around the lake or play a hand of crib. let the games begin.

master of the puppets

In less than a week I have a meeting with the head of one of the three departments that I am hoping will accept me into their Masters programs. I have always said that the outlook was ‘doubtful’ that I would ever return to post-sec, especially to do my Masters.

And yet, I have always been fully and passionately committed to education as a ‘cause’ or as an ‘issue’. I believe that education is a pivotal part of healthy and progressive communities. I believe that education should be accessible to all those that want to participate. I believe that strong education systems help to reduce many other social and personal problems. I believe that time spent engaging in critical thought and inquiry is time well spent – and that it should be a *right* (not a privilege) for people to engage in research and scholarly activity.

All this being said… I had never imagined myself continuing on after my Bachelors Degree.

The way that I have decided to go on (and the way that I have chosen my route of study) has been, on one hand, careless in nature. On the other hand, it makes perfect sense that I would be seeking to complete the Public Policy program at SFU (MPP) or in the Studies in Policy & Practice (MA) or Public Administration (MPA) at UVic.

At this point, I am not really sure what the hell I am doing (or why). In a few days I will meet with a senior administrator and attempt to talk my way into a program - - - before I am even sure why I want to be there.

For some reason, I know this is what I should be doing.

Wish me success.