if i wasn't shy

upon reflection + prompted by a recent discussion, i realize that i feel that a lot of assumptions are made about people based on whether they are shy vs. loud/outgoing. and being that i am unequivocally placed in the ‘loud/outgoing’ category - it is easier for me to pinpoint the negative things that are assumed about my ‘type’.

what’s more fun than stereotypes? nothing.

shy people are: thoughtful, kind, intelligent, intellectual, reserved, sheltered, interesting, studious, capable, focussed, diligent, enticing, mysterious, approachable, sexual energy just waiting to be harnessed, non-intimidating, snobby, slothful, caring, good.

outgoing people are: insecure, annoying, boastful, social, people-people, entertaining, confident, compensating, competitive, disrespectful, argumentative, sexually forward, confrontational, volatile, desperate, fun/ny, self-serving, energetic, predator/ial, bad.

because all of the assumptions that are made about loud people are *always* made about me, i long to know what it feels like to have the opposite assumed.

in fact, it is not that i would trade the assumptions made about me for the assumptions that would be made if i were shy. it’s moreso that i am amused at how many assumptions are made. period.

i have always enjoyed toggling back and forth between categories - which is hard to do when it comes to outgoing vs. shy. mighty hard indeed.

let it rain

it’s not too often that i catch colds. i guess that’s why this one has knocked me on my ass so hard. the combination of sickness, the overwhelming foggy high that i get from taking cold medication, and the usual bunk side effects from the MS drugs that i take - have left me in a state of zombie-ness.

this week, as a zombie, i got lots of knitting done, didn’t eat much, bathed more frequently than would be recommended to maintain healthy skin and hair, got in a couple arguments, finished a couple books, and made a number of late night phone calls.

one of the many important things that i realized as i moped around the house this week - is that somewhere along the road i have lost most of my connection/ commitment to playing outside. going for hikes, camping trips, mountain biking excursions, canoe day-trips, outdoor swimming, surfing, visits to cabins on lakes - these things used to be part of my life. they were also part of how i related to other people - and it should be noted that i often made friends with people who were much more outdoor savvy than i am (which i suppose is not all that hard to do).

the notion that there is ‘nothing to do’ simply because one does not have enough money to go to the bar, go to a music gig, go and buy food, etc. has quickly become part of my mentality. and this week i decided that i am tired of living this way - and relating with my friends this way.

last week i went over to a buddy’s house and we just went out for a walk (in the middle of an urban neighborhood albeit) - but it was just so simple and perfect. we talked. we felt the air changing from winter to spring. we felt the crunch of frosty grass under our shoes. we worked up a bit of a sweat.

outdoor fun is here.

small figures in a vast expanse

brainstorm!!!!

when i am on trains or watching TV or cooking or laying in bed, i make lists. sometimes this is uncontrollable. games like the ‘run-on-band-name’ game (ie no means no doubt, beastie boys to men without hats, concrete blonde redhead) can be very dangerous for me. it becomes a compulsion. my brain will pick a random topic and go to work, often cutting into valuable studying, working, volunteering, housework, and video game playing time.

luckily, the compulsion to list/ to brainstorm has served me well in my professional and academic endeavors. when focussed, the desire to monkey around with words and concepts can breed some useful results.

useful. let’s skip ahead to that part.

some of you know that i am going to be purchasing a pin press in the coming months - and start producing pins for bands/ organizations and stuff, and possibly join forces with D and others to create some lovely pins with their *adorable* drawings on them. and so, even more important than configuring a template to print the pin faces in large quantities, i need to think of a name for my little company.

- parallel pin pressing company
- bombs away pin pressing company
- yebi pin pressing company
- new words pin pressing company
- choke hold pin pressing company
- the merch pin pressing company
- sunday morning pin pressing company
- rotten cherries pin pressing company
- ponderous pin pressing company
- a certain girl pin pressing company
- one piece at a time pin pressing company

as you can see, this is in the phase where it is totally random - and i am throwing things out there that i would never really consider using. i am looking to find a balance between vocalizing the creativity and collaboration that i look forward to putting into my pin making projects, while still having a name that is recognizable and... well... somewhat palatable. make sense?

brainstorm!!!

lost in the supermarket

Crazymakers. Drama queens. Energy suckers. Jerk faces.

Not only have I learned to identify them quicker, but I have also learned to dispose of them with more ease. Crazymakers used to be an excruciating challenge for me. In the past, I allowed them to hang on for years at a time. To steal a Hank Rollins term, I allowed them to ‘decorate’ my life.

But god-damn, it still hurts when I have to face the facts. It all happens so suddenly sometimes, people reveal themselves to be part of the ‘I have to put you down in order to feel good’ or ‘I have no hesitation about poisoning your life with my lack of self-esteem’ crowd.

And with some people, I know the whole time that I am going to keep my distance. I keep the relationships purely one-way. They can call and complain and seek guidance and attention – but the relationships never develop to a stage where I would even consider sharing my self with them/ revealing my vulnerabilities.

How many times have my dear friends heard me say it:
DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!

I have fewer friends now than I did 5 years ago. Those that would like to chalk that up to me being a judgmental bitch are probably the same people that have found themselves deleted from my life.

My compassion and empathy are still achingly present – but I have less time and patience for people who want to do the Tango of Drama.

the man that i am with my man

dear ‘the hidden cameras’,

thank you for making me dance and sweat and smile and clap and jump around.

you make homos (and the people that fuck them) feel glad to be alive.

sweet dreams,
choke ‘fingerbang’ hold

i can't stand up for falling down

in all seriousness, would someone *please* explain to me what 'business casual' means.

thanks,
the management